Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Cars for people who have given up on life

A person who goes by the catchy moniker "X-Quork" once wrote "I don't care how good the things are, anybody who drives something called a Nissan Note has given up on life."

As someone who has had the grave misfortune of being handed a set of keys to a Nissan Note while being told to "make sure the tanks full when you bring it back" I can assure you that I would only recommend this car to someone who needs their blood to start boiling, for whatever reason, because it is the worst car I have ever driven - worse, even, than the Jeep Compass I got in the USA.

So, without further ado, I bring you my list of cars for people who have given up on life.

1. Skoda Roomster

And just what the hell is "Roomster" supposed to mean? Most car makers just pull a name out of thin air, but Skoda have kind of tried to incorporate some part of the car into the name. I've only ever seen old people drive this car, presumably so they can fit the grandchildren in the back. Get some excitement back in your life, for god's sake.

2. Renault Kangoo
It's a van. Except it's not. If your life is at the point where you aspire to have an MPV so much that you'll accept a thinly-veiled van as a substitute, then your life is not worth living. An MPV is not desirable to anyone.

3. Fiat Doblo
You buy this when you have given up worrying about the people pointing and staring. You buy this when you no longer care that the car in your driveway is an eyesore.

Or you could buy it to annoy the neighbours. It's hideous, and lacking pleasantries. It is a sure sign that you have just given up on everything.

4. Porsche Boxster
Everybody knows that a Porsche 911 is the most boring of what could be called supercars. If you aspire to have the dullest car there is, but don't have the money to splash out, then it seems perfectly reasonable to buy a Boxster? No. You see, you've given up hope of achieving your dreams. You've settled for second best. 

What you should do is buy a Z4, or an SLK. But you want the 911. All you've ever wanted is a 911. So you buy the Boxster.

Why not just spend your £40k on 20,000 Euromillions tickets? That way you's be slightly more likely to be able to buy a 911 than if you bought a Boxster. Waste of money. Buy a cheap second hand car and put the rest in savings until you have enough for a 911.

5. Hyundai i800

If you have a reason to choose an 8 seater car over a standard 7 seater car, it means that you have 6 children.  If you have 6 children, it means that your own personal life is pretty much overtaken by the children and there's no escaping. You've already relinquished your lifestyle. Just give up now. 

And don't forget, condoms are an excellent means of keeping family sizes down.

UPDATE: I've had a request. It turns out I'd missed an important car in the geriatric transportation stakes, and that is the Toyota Yaris Verso. Not happy with a car that is devoid of emotion, the owners of this have decided to buy a car that is devoid of emotion but in a slightly taller format, resulting in no additional usable space but an extra opportunity for the neighbours to point and laugh.

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Mercedes SLK

I have to admit it - I get my back epilated. Now I'm married, and there's no ambiguity about my sexuality, but I do prefer to have the small forest removed from my shoulders.

However, 50 years ago this would not have been an option for most men, who would have been called "poofs" if they didn't have grease under their fingernails or work in the pits. Times have changed however, and not everything that would previously have been thought of as a "bit gay" suggest someone's sexuality - far from it, if anything this new liberalism has taught most people that such things are absolutely no indication of homosexuality.

So back to the Mercedes then - also known as the "SL Gay". The last two versions of the SLK did have a reputation as a bit of a girly car, and as a result, most of the people you saw with them were women. Since then, however, Mercedes launched the absolutely stunning SLS which hints at the direction the designers are taking. The new SLK definitely seems to capture that design philosophy, and is rather attractive.

However, for any convertible, there is always one test of whether it is a well designed car. Can you picture Arnold Schwarzenegger fleeing an explosion in it with some heavy metal playing in the background? If the answer is no, then I'm afraid it does not live up to its potential as a convertible.

Think about it - Porsche Boxster? Yes. VW Eos? No.

BMW Z4? Absolutely. Fiat 500C? No.

Audi R8? Yes. Mazda MX-5? Probably not.

So can you picture Arnie driving this? No, I'm afraid not. He'd be too busy driving the Z4 instead.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

My eyes are bleeding!

I think I've just discovered the worst page on the web.

Ironic car names

There are some cars which have been given the most ridiculous names. For example, why is it that after you get stuck for an hour and a half on a country lane, you finally get to the front of the queue to find that you spent all that time behind a car which has been monikered the "Suzuki Swift"?

The Japanese are either mocking us or have absolutely no sense of irony to their names.

I mean, when you are stuck behind a car, getting angrier and angrier, what could be worse than the car they are driving advertising that, despite your hatred and frustration, the blue-rinser in the car in front feels "Sunny". They enjoy you being stuck behind them. Because they have a Nissan Sunny.

Of course, it's not just the Japanese. The Czechs have the aptly named Superb, which, in all honesty is an excellent if dull car. It is actually bordering on being Superb, but it's incredibly arrogant to call the car Superb.

The best example of this phenomenon though is from Britain, and is not just the car name but the entire Brand. What would you call a failing car company? Triumph.