Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Top 5 cars driven by arseholes

Have you ever looked in your rear mirror to find someone driving within 10 microns?

Have you ever come to a roundabout only to have the front of your car near enough removed by some idiot?

And have you noticed how certain cars lend themselves to these kind of idiots?

I have driven some of these cars, and I can safely say that it is a combination of arsehole drivers and poor driving dynamics that force these to be driven in such a way. My car, on the other hand, you really have to plan thing in advance. Not that it's a bad thing, but the brakes aren't too sharp, and the accelerator forces you to drive smoothly.

5. Ford Transit van

OK, not a car. Driven by just about anyone from any walk of life, badly.

4. BMW X5

Not the only SUV in my list, but the first incarnation of this was definitely one driven by a certain type of person. The kind of person who thinks that their life is more important than anyone else's. 

3. Audi RS4

Audi weren't pleased when BMW had all the arseholes, so they tried and succeeded in creating a car to get the arseholes to add another four rings.

2. BMW M3

Yes, this is the one Audi targetted. People who couldn't afford an M5 vented their frustration by buying an M3 and driving around permanently stuck to other cars' exhaust pipes.

1. And the winner is... the Range Rover.

Ultimate arsehole accessory. The Range Rover. Not the sport, or the Freelander, this is one for people who clearly yearn for the close-following abilities of a Transit van but wouldn't want anyone to think they were working class.

Monday, 20 June 2011

Mini Coupe

I am not a fan of Star Trek. I have never watched a single episode in its entirety, only catching fleeting glimpses.

But there is one character of which I am a fan, but only because of an internet meme. That is, the character played by Patrick Stewart, now know for his legendary "facepalm", the act of placing one's head in to one's hand to suggest disbelief at an act of stupidity.

And BMW are thoroughly deserving of a facepalm for their latest Mini monstrosity.

The Mini Coupe.

You see, the Mini was not exactly great looking, but it was OK. Then came the convertible. Then the Clubman. Then the Cuntryman. And now the coupe.

Too many models?

Well, let's look at this car on it's own merits.

As Audi produces the TT based on the Golf, BMW will produce the coupe based on the Mini.

But the problem is, BMW are desperate to demonstrate that what they have is a Mini. The real reason they are pushing the Mini brand is so they can abandon their real wheel drive mantra discretely, and that means switching BMWs to 4 wheel drive and pushing Minis as front wheel drive cars.

And because Mini is a relatively new brand, and is strongly brand-image based rather than perceived quality based, they have to remind you that it is a Mini. Hence every car looking almost identical.

But that's where the Coupe falls down. You see, the TT presents a desirable car which is really just a tarted up Golf. With the Mini Coupe, you will constantly be reminded that you are driving a Mini and not a much pricier sports car. The TT sells you a fur coat that hides your size 14 frame (and it is mainly women that buy them) whereas the Mini is a fur coat but with the size tag put on the outside rather than the inside.

It's daft. It's ridiculous.

Expect estate agents to buy them like hot cakes.

Monday, 13 June 2011

MG 6

If I was a cruel man, I would say that there is no point in buying an MG.

I am a cruel man. There is no point in buying an MG. Not, at least, until some poor plonker buys the first one and tries to sell it on.

You see, if you buy a BMW, you know what you're getting in to. You know that they are too big to disappear overnight. You know that the garage won't close in the next two months, and you know that there is not likely to be something that can't be fixed due to poor parts availability.

With MG, you know that there is a reasonable chance that they won't be there in 6 months time. Yes, it's an old marque, but they have been bought by a much younger foreign company, and they have been disastrously managed since the 70s.

But on to the car.

The MG6 is the first offering from MG since their relaunch. It's almost Ford Focus like in styling, but actually more closely resembles a Proton Gen-2. And that's not something to aspire to - in fact, most people I know say they've never seen one, although I know for a fact that three quarters of them have.

But for me, the worst thing about this is that it is British. Not that there is anything wrong with being British, but the reputation still lives on of lazy, workshy communists bolting together cars in Birmingham at a pace that resembles constipated tortoises while the rest of the world has moved on to robotic manufacturing.

Of course, it's not like that.

But MG is.

Even when it is being made by a bunch of hard-working communists in China.

Steer clear (assuming that the steering column has been bolted in to place)